Be Kinder to Yourself, Save the World

Every time you’re too hard on yourself a Cheeto dust Voldemort in a parallel universe gets its wings

William Golding, The Princess Bride

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We need to divest from negative thinking as taught by Capitalism.

- Be Kinder to Yourself, Save the World (2019)

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There is a concept in Buddhism called the second arrow.

The first arrow is the initial pain of an incident. Say you get dumped or fired, lose a loved one or you, literally, get hit by an arrow.

The second arrow is a story you tell yourself about the incident that adds more suffering than the initial incident caused.

The first arrow is unavoidable. We must live with and heal from the consequences.

The second arrow is optional. It’s the choices we make, the actions we take, and the thoughts we think after and about the wound.

Because we live in a society founded on individualism and not-enough, never-enough-ness, we are prone to invoking the second arrow.

Indeed, colonial-capitalism thrives on our willingness to beat ourselves up.

The allegory of the second arrow is an invitation to not double down on your suffering, despite how comfortable self-flagellation might feel.

I have spent a lot of time beating myself up, blaming myself for getting life wrong, and wading through regret.

Despite the fact that deep down I know I’m always and only doing the best I can at any given moment, I’m afraid that if I’m too gentle on myself I won’t learn or grow.

Because doesn’t colonial-capitalism also thrive on our willingness to not hold ourselves accountable? If I’m too kind to myself, will I bypass some responsibility?

How do I change the patterns and behaviours I need to change without beating myself up for needing to change them in the first place?

As we work to save the world, to save humanity from extinction, we must not only divest from fossil fuels, palm oil, reckless animal agriculture and other obvious, tangible catalysts of climate change, we also must divest from the ideological beliefs that form the basis of our consumption patterns and planet destroying behaviours.

Forget Your Perfect Offering

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The driving forces behind global human suffering thrive on our self-hatred and rely on our inability to sit with and process guilt and shame. So, yes, we do need to work with accountability. But when has being too hard on yourself ever lead to better behaviour?

I believe that most of us are harder on ourselves than we realize. I think that many of us take our own skills and abilities and contributions to the world for granted.

Our culture promotes unworthiness because the more we believe we have to earn our right to be alive, the likelier we are to participate in oppressive systems without compliant.

This is the fear-consume cycle. The message is You are not enough and the directive is that you have to fulfill your need for enough-ness externally.

Colonial-capitalism only works if we are always on the brink of suffering—why else would we continue to consume mindlessly?

Keep that second arrow handy, folks, the system needs you to hate yourself.

Deep breaths. Unceded shíshálh nation.

We feel insignificant because we’ve been conditioned to feel insignificant. Because we’ve been taught that our human worth comes from hard work and material gain.

Our lives are tied to oppressive systems because we do have to earn our right to be alive (hello, the cost of living), so that’s why it’s easy to slip back into fear-consume cycles of self-hatred and blame.

(Don’t even get me started on how manifestation culture feeds into this.)

It is a constant and regular practice, bringing yourself back from the brink (or at least it has been for me). Because I don’t have a savings account, because I don’t have a partner, because I don’t own a home, because, because, because…

Because my inherent need for comfort, safety, and connection has been capitalized upon, commodified, and sold back to me through the narrative of individualism.

It’s all my fault.

Oh, is it?

It’s up to you to figure out the difference between the first arrow and the second arrow. What’s real and what’s a story you’re telling yourself?

And who does that story serve?

When unkind thoughts arrive, try asking: Who is this story for? Where did it come from? Was it born out of a belief system designed to keep me small, stuck, and numb? Or is it showing me how to live a life with more integrity that better serves the planet and the people around me?

The gentler we are with ourselves, the more we create space to slow down, reflect, and shift into new ways of being.

It’s not about avoiding the pain of growth or bypassing accountability. It’s about recognizing that at the end of the day all we have is our own ability to cope, that the goal of life is to live it, and that the bar you want to hold yourself to, well, it’s made up.

It’s pretty hard to make a difference when you’re beating yourself up.

Our problems will not be solved by the same minds that created them. Do yourself a favour and divest from negative thinking as taught by capitalism.

I promise you won’t regret it.

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